Penning down everything I write everyday seems difficult and I know the exact reason attached to it. IMPATIENCE. Yes, a simple idiotic thing called IMPATIENCE. And I say it out loud because it touches every string in my bones as of now. I am impatient about my work, my family state, the money i get, the money I spend, the state of affairs in the morning, the state of affairs in the afternoon, how the players in my fantasy league aren’t performing, how I am all alone when I deserve to know the reason I should not be, how the most dear ones to me are not with me, how the special people I knew went away; Hell !!! i am impatient about myself !!!
Now the question which conforms in my mind is how to take all this up ?
What do I do to survive ? Do i resist ? NO, Do I succumb ? NO, Do I yield ? NO, Do I fight ? Doesn’t Seem so !!! Do I sustain ? YES !
The most precise answer is that I decide to sustain, I decide to survive. I have all the responsibilities under the sun and I have a habit of thinking 100x of what a normal person would, and still come out with half of it. These two conditions of mine along with my anti-social, recluse, anti romantic nature combine to form this one personality that seems awesome-sauce at some levels but isn’t a master at any. I co-exist because my mind refuses to die; my thoughts do not die either.
I am impatient to put full stops at the end of my sentences. I continue writing it as if it’s one huge monologue. Yet when I’m typing all this I manage to put in all of them right there. You see what i did there ? I gave you randomness which you might have noticed but while imparting you the knowledge I managed to prove that I have organized uncivilized thoughts.
It’s moderately entertaining to my brain too that I am able to cope with all this and still manage to find something new out of it. My core shouts out at me to do things at a pace which I know I can achieve but my brain does not let it take over and from quite sometime even my core has stopped responding. That’s why when my brain goes numb I don’t have any control over myself. It’s because I want it to go away to vent out or it is my theory that I need to have it, I have no idea.
I just know that my purpose is to fulfill every dream attached with me especially of my mom, dad, brother and most importantly….ME. That is just why I think that Impatience is more of a virtue in disguise because it starts you up, it gives you knowledge. (if you take it (knowledge) from it i.e.) It provides you with this crash course in failure to remember what success is, and it gives your dreams a power to fight back against the howling winds of grief, betrayal and the heartless state of mind. The hollow you are, the more practical you get, it’s nothing good but it’s another penance if you practice it. By hollowness it doesn’t mean indifference, it means when you start mapping out things through thoughts rather than actions, words and everything related to heart, things which matter the most to you, just come into focus, and the miseries are a thing of the past. So be impatient, and do things you think you should but never stop to think about what happened because once you start doing it, you’ve stopped yourself from soaring up high. Adn to be really frank an impatient little link got you here…didn’t it ?Lastly something truly heartfelt because it’s my habit to bore you out with some lines :
My hopes never die, my dreams are to fly.
Yet I am still here on the ground,
Looking into the depths of the oceans and the skies.
And I wonder about tomorrow;
When yesterday you were with me.
Tomorrow is where I needed you.
But something was lost between.
I ponder and think and ponder again
of all the gain you got from the pain,
you gave to me for a whole lot of time,
I looked for a memory i needed to secure
To make sure, I should not endure.
And found someone smiling ahead;
A face that still needs to be read
I look for her as of now
but most importantly….I will never bow;
I will never back down now !!!